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The Crazy Cart
passed before Kelsey’s eyes. It was a far greater distance to her brain.
She found it
impossible to sing with her hand. So she pointed at the ocean.
¡No! ¡No!- Kelsey
exclaimed. -¡I meant to point at the sea!-
The two primadonnas
listened to the end of civilization as they had come to know it, with water
that wasn’t alive and carts that weren’t crazy. And as they floated through the
sky, everything looked small and everything was stamped with the words THE
managed to get her raspy, old butt into the night air, but Kelsey wasn’t going
to turn down the covers. Instead, she turned up the RPM’s. She went soaring
through the sky with her life in her...
-¡I can sing! ¡I
can really sing!-
The real word for
“ocean” was two words: “black comb
over from the depths of hell”. Kelsey wanted to look suave, but she looked more
like a donkey with a pony tail who just got a pie in the face. But no big
whoop. She had her eyes on the cart. She had ½ of her eyes on the pedal and the
other half on the metal, but then she lowered both of her eyes.
She closed one of
her eyes. The other eye closed itself.
instantly, all of the color went to her face.
-¡This segue is
full of watery roses!- Drew exclaimed.
Kelsey moved her
head and then froze. Now there was a great big ball of fire in the night sky.
It was below the air and it pushed everything that wasn’t air right at Kelsey.
Kelsey knew that
that My Antonian, Madame Valda, was above the center of the fireball. She was
making fun of Kelsey’s lisp and yelling about amortizations.
Madame Valda laid
into Kelsey’s lisp... her britches... her pillow.
-You don’t have to
hear me to fear me, little girl.- Madame Valda said, lancing her alien,
festering boil and throwing it at Kelsey’s neck. -¡No one fucking hears
¡The Crazy Cart!
Kelsey had forgotten where she’d put the damn thing.
She twisted her
head in every direction. ¡God FUCKING dammit! ¡God... ! ¡Fucking...! ¡Dammit
all to hell!
salt all over the nape of her neck. And when she touched it with the point of
her fingers her voice broke into a chorus of “Another One Bites The Warm Poop”.
gritted her teeth. -¡Nooooo!-
The Crazy Cart took
the salt and turned revolutions in the air.
The girl grabbed
the salt back.
The perfume in the
air smelled like soap. Everyone looked at the cart.
-¡To the ocean!-
Madame Valda Calcioman’d. -¡To the black and beautiful sea!-
The Crazy cart
turned and looked at Kelsey, wanting to bail out of its own miserable carapace.
It knew it had just had a brush with elevation.
Kelsey thought that
the salt was a trap, but the nape of her neck knew that she was being a wuss
and that the vultures would soon take care of her.
They’d put her in a
Until then she
would go on haranguing about how the water was alive.
Kelsey listened to
all the voices in her head and then went on about how the water was not only
alive but also cold and black and a little lemony.
girl.- Madame Valda’s carcass said, echoing in Kelsey’s head and lancing the
boil on her neck like a carjacker’s apprentice.
And at that precise
instant, Kelsey realized the Crazy Cart was in the air... and she took an arrow
and shot it straight at the center of Madame Valda’s heart.
-¡You took my cart,
you brutal, old hag!- The young girl exclaimed.
grating voice raged through the night like an angry waiter. Her repellant body
exploded, producing an equally repugnant cigar odor that smelled like a million
people had simultaneously removed their shoes and pointed them at the sky.
was trying to put out the fire in her hair and trying to separate the fact and
fiction of Madame Valda’s cummerbund and big ass.
imposing figure pulsed above them like an 8.5 earthquake that came with Corn
Flakes and a concierge.
everything had seemed normal, if not downright imbecilic.