Chapter 21 read by Mandy



If you don't see the Media player above then click here to play in a separate window (or right-click and download)




The Crazy Cart passed before Kelsey’s eyes. It was a far greater distance to her brain.


She found it impossible to sing with her hand. So she pointed at the ocean.


¡No! ¡No!- Kelsey exclaimed. -¡I meant to point at the sea!-


The two primadonnas listened to the end of civilization as they had come to know it, with water that wasn’t alive and carts that weren’t crazy. And as they floated through the sky, everything looked small and everything was stamped with the words THE END.


Madame Valda managed to get her raspy, old butt into the night air, but Kelsey wasn’t going to turn down the covers. Instead, she turned up the RPM’s. She went soaring through the sky with her life in her...


-¡I can sing! ¡I can really sing!-


The real word for “ocean” was two words: “black comb over from the depths of hell”. Kelsey wanted to look suave, but she looked more like a donkey with a pony tail who just got a pie in the face. But no big whoop. She had her eyes on the cart. She had ½ of her eyes on the pedal and the other half on the metal, but then she lowered both of her eyes.


She closed one of her eyes. The other eye closed itself.


And then, instantly, all of the color went to her face.


-¡This segue is full of watery roses!- Drew exclaimed.


Kelsey moved her head and then froze. Now there was a great big ball of fire in the night sky. It was below the air and it pushed everything that wasn’t air right at Kelsey.


Kelsey knew that that My Antonian, Madame Valda, was above the center of the fireball. She was making fun of Kelsey’s lisp and yelling about amortizations.


Madame Valda laid into Kelsey’s lisp... her britches... her pillow.


-You don’t have to hear me to fear me, little girl.- Madame Valda said, lancing her alien, festering boil and throwing it at Kelsey’s neck. -¡No one fucking hears me!-


¡The Crazy Cart! Kelsey had forgotten where she’d put the damn thing.


She twisted her head in every direction. ¡God FUCKING dammit! ¡God... ! ¡Fucking...! ¡Dammit all to hell!


Kelsey sprinkled salt all over the nape of her neck. And when she touched it with the point of her fingers her voice broke into a chorus of “Another One Bites The Warm Poop”.


-¡Nooooo!- Kelsey gritted her teeth. -¡Nooooo!-



The Crazy Cart took the salt and turned revolutions in the air.


The girl grabbed the salt back.


The perfume in the air smelled like soap. Everyone looked at the cart.


-¡To the ocean!- Madame Valda Calcioman’d. -¡To the black and beautiful sea!-


The Crazy cart turned and looked at Kelsey, wanting to bail out of its own miserable carapace. It knew it had just had a brush with elevation.


Kelsey thought that the salt was a trap, but the nape of her neck knew that she was being a wuss and that the vultures would soon take care of her.


They’d put her in a burlap sack.


Until then she would go on haranguing about how the water was alive.


Kelsey listened to all the voices in her head and then went on about how the water was not only alive but also cold and black and a little lemony.


-Goodbye, little girl.- Madame Valda’s carcass said, echoing in Kelsey’s head and lancing the boil on her neck like a carjacker’s apprentice.


And at that precise instant, Kelsey realized the Crazy Cart was in the air... and she took an arrow and shot it straight at the center of Madame Valda’s heart.


-¡You took my cart, you brutal, old hag!- The young girl exclaimed.


-Aaaaah! ¡Nooooo!-


Madame Valda’s grating voice raged through the night like an angry waiter. Her repellant body exploded, producing an equally repugnant cigar odor that smelled like a million people had simultaneously removed their shoes and pointed them at the sky.


Kelsey, meanwhile, was trying to put out the fire in her hair and trying to separate the fact and fiction of Madame Valda’s cummerbund and big ass.


Madame Valda’s imposing figure pulsed above them like an 8.5 earthquake that came with Corn Flakes and a concierge.


Until then, everything had seemed normal, if not downright imbecilic.

    -- on to chapter 22   or   back to PUNK ASS --