Chapter 20 read by Peter



If you don't see the Media player above then click here to play in a separate window (or right-click and download)




Kelsey rolled her eyes like she was contemplating setting fire to the hoageyery her self.


But instead she spat.


Madame Valda sallied her self over to the center of the lambs and started throwing elevator parts down on the kids.


First everyone panicked except Kelsey, and then she saw that panic was actually the correct response. After all, elevator parts raining down on you was crazy.


-Any other time I’d be throwing Lanacane down on you losers.- Madame Valda’s voice cascaded down, along with balance compensation chains and traction sheaves.


Even when talking, the woman had a way of brutalizing the puny and the on fire.


-¿What the sea moss is going on?- Kelsey asked, looking at Gregor.


-Nothing... ¿What do you mean?- The bulbous old guy said with a perverse glint in his apartment eyes.


-¿What the Raj Fahneen do you mean? ¡I just want to know what the Kirstey Alley’s going on!- Kelsey exclaimed furiously.


-You don’t know what’s going on because you’re ¡AN IMPOSTOR!- Madame Valda burped. -¿Is it even possible that you’re as crass as you seem and that you forgot to bring crayons for Madame Valda?-


Kelsey didn’t want to look at Gregor. The old guy was probably trying to find his way back to Lehmkuhlen.. or trying to splash on some more Brut.


-¡I’m not a cigarette!- Madame Valda said ruggedly. -¡I don’t have filters! I just have a book that any mentally retarded person could read and you all think it’s magic.-


And with that she looked right at Kelsey’s fingers.


-¡Mental retard! ¡Nanny, nanny, nanny goat!-


After looking at her fingers, Madame Valda started spitting in Kelsey’s face... and the cigarettes started to disperse.


-All of you are fuckers.- Madame Valda said disgustedly. -Absolutely all of you. There isn’t one of you who would know a cigarette if you smoked one.-


While Madame Valda blabbled on, Kelsey looked at her hands for comfort. Her palms had broken into columns of black hummus.


-¡Oh my freaking God!- Zandra exclaimed, sounding like the ocean had stopped oceaning.


Madame Valda was running after their rears.


-¡Let’s get out of here, Kelsey!- Drew argued to the brazen girl. -¡Let’s git!-


-No, I don’t wanna.- Kelsey said. -If it’s really now or never then I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in an aqualung, my friend.-


Madame Valda lunged at Kelsey’s half-dead carcass.


-That was my pager, little girl, and my pager tells me that you’re going to fall down for Madame Valda one more time.- Her eyes were on fire. They trespassed against Kelsey as she babbled.

-Little girl isn’t content with being my own personal burlap sack, she has to try collecting Cowboys and Indians and Pigs and Horses and try to be my burlap sack some other time.-


Kelsey ran from the grand dame of cigarettes, but everyone else looked at her like she was an idiot. Like she wasn’t even no one. She had been a-bandoned, she had been re-jected simply because she was 1/32nd Cherokee and because she preferred Brut-wearing perverts.


-¿Do you really think that you can race away from my malevolence so easily?- Madame Valda asked with a hint of sarcasm. -¡Fuck you and your little dog too! ¡None of you understand the depths of my malevolence! ¡None of you!-


The sound from Madame Valda’s carcass resonated in the night. And then she set her anteater eyes on Kelsey.


-¡Kelsey!- Drew exclaimed. -¡The tire on the Crazy Cart! ¡It’s on fire!-


-¡Very good, little girl!- Incited the brute. -¡You’re sharp, very sharp!-

-¡If she’s so sharp, ¿how come you’re so brutally assholish?- Kelsey exclaimed, and damned if she didn’t push to the front and look the old woman straight in her demonic corneas.


-Look, Kelsey.- Madame Valda said, doubling over as she spoke. -Fuck you and your acetate fandango.-


Kelsey pushed her way back to the front... and Madame Valda set her Bolo tie on fire and slammed a pie in her face.


Kelsey fell to pieces, and the salt from the pie was making her eyes tear.


-¡Get out, Kelsey!- Madame Valda said with her entire carcass. -I’ve toasted you.-


-¡Kelsey!- Drew again exclaimed. -¿Are you okay?-


Kelsey nodded her head and pushed the pie from her eyes.


-I’ll kick her ass next time I see her.-


The young woman tried to look daggers at Madame Valda, but all she could muster were butter knives. ¡The old bitch just closed her eyes!


-¡Try again!- Drew griped. -¡Try again, for Chrissake!-


“I have to concencrate”, Kelsey said to her self.


-¡Consencrate!- Drew was gripping.


Kelsey mustered all of her brazenness and tried to get on the Crazy Cart.


-¡You go, bitch!- Drew exclaimed, while Kelsey tried to mount the Crazy Cart like a vulture mounts carrion.


Then she fell down, exhausted.


A fire raged through her veins like caramel through an apple.


-¡Nooooo!- Kelsey screamed. The cart had fallen apart all around her.


Then the Crazy Cart burst into flame, pushing the normally cool air to warm and making Madame Valda turn toward Kelsey.


Kelsey knew that the terror she felt was in her mind, but she also knew that her mind was hardwired to her body, and she was about to be eviscerated.

    -- on to chapter 21   or   back to PUNK ASS --