A car could’ve hit
Kelsey and she wouldn’t’ve moved. She pushed on the keys of a non-existent cash
-¡That makes sense!
It’s Madame Valda’s.- Her words echoed in her ears. -¡It’s that!-
She ran to the
Crazy Cart and started pouring milk over it until she saw the monstrous
apparition of Gregor.
-I didn’t know you
could saddle up one of these.- He said, grabbing the cart and looking at it
like it was a van conversion.
-¿Why wouldn’t you
know?- Drew exclaimed. -You have it in your slimy hands. And it’s Madame
-Right, loser.- The
old guy said, pronouncing every syllable. -But the book I read was in your eyes
and when I pulled it out it was an article about pretending to already had
being frightened by Bruce Andrews.-
-That may already
have happened.- Kelsey said. -But we don’t have to pretend, we’re already frightened. And not by
some hayseed named Andrews, but by the pernicious tentacles of Madame Valda.
Except her tentacles have nails. And the book doesn’t talk to her, it
talks to her nails. ¿Dint you know that?-
-¿Truthfully? No.- Gregor
admitted, stroking the pages of the book. -Nope, I thought it talked to her
-¡Then why the fuck
are you slobbering all over me!- Drew exclaimed. -The book can’t help it if it
can’t pronounce words.-
All the cigarettes
Kelsey looked for
the Crazy Cart with her hands.
But someone had
taken the Crazy Cart and thrown it where the sun don’t shine. And Kelsey wasn’t
going to wait for the sun to start shining this time. She wasn’t going to let
anyone shake a finger at her bad diction. This time she was confident.
-Get your ass to a
hogeyery.- She told the old guy when he turned from the callous to the genteel.
Kelsey knew that it
was air that made her heart pump. And it was air that made the sheep “bah”.
It was air that made
fire warm and it was air that made the hills hilly. And now it was air that was
making these young people take a step back from their lives and put a little
distance between their selves and Kate Capshaw.
-Get her out of
here.- They all murmured.
They’re all really
brave when they’re slinging their arrows at the napes of necks. And also when
they’re trying to put out fire with fire.
Beyond being brave,
they’ve mired up their shirts in Red Dye #2.
They tried to return it, but their legs wouldn’t move.
But before they
couldn’t move, they couldn’t launch into their Fernando Llamas impressions.
Kelsey was turned
The lambs in the
bluffs above them threw Cinnamon Crispas at their already sore shoulders.
-¿What the pasta?-
Kelsey asked Gregor.
But he didn’t
respond. Kelsey looked up and the old guy was Up With Lambs, throwing
Cinnamon Crispas down on them.
“¿How on earth...?”
She wondered. “The guy was just here retrofitting the circle of cigarettes, and
¿now he’s throwing lentils at us?
vengeance on the lambs.
ANIMALS!- She screamed. -When you get tired of throwing TV snacks at us you can
do one thing: ¡You can go FUCK YOUR
said. -¡You are so tired! You
were supposed to be here before they started showering shit on us.-
Kelsey could hear
everything being said, but because she had been turned to salt, it all sounded
She still had a
fire in her heart, it just smelled kinda salty, but... ¡Salt is supposed to be
bad for you!
The girl was
supposed to be handing out packets of grit.
But whenever she
had some grit, all she heard was how horrible and how all-terrain vehicle it
And how it smelled
like yesterday’s news.
And how it didn’t
leave ring-around-the-collar, but instead, ruined your life.
And it all
corresponded with the rise of depravity and satanicity that was Madame Valda.