The Boys of My Youth by Jo Ann Beard; 224 pages; hardcover; $22.45.

"Who even cares about the boys of my youth? There weren't any, it was all imaginary. I'm making it up as I go along."

Jo Ann Beard's ironic revelation, near the end of her collection of twelve autobiographical essays, makes clear that though the book is filled with encounters with boys and men--good and bad, life-changing and not--it is women Jo Ann always returns to, for help with "making it up as I go along."

Though the boys and men in these essays seem to demand serious attention, they are side dishes compared to the author's relationships with the women, a tightly-knit clan of relatives and friends. "The Boys of My Youth" should have had a subtitle: "The Women in My Life."

At least half of Jo Ann's essays--which jump from one scene to another--highlight loyalty between women as they tend to each other and their families. "Cousins" traces the bond between Jo Ann and her cousin Wendell even from their embryonic stages. "The Family Hour," features the unspoken, implicit, ultimate loyalty between Jo Ann and her sister Linda. This is touched on again in "Waiting," as the sisters prepare for their dying mother's funeral. The title essay, "The Boys of My Youth," contains an accurate portayal of the way a best friend can lift one another back up from the despair of a broken relationship.

If there were any memorable boys of Jo Ann Beard's youth, among them would be Hal, a beloved doll from her early childhood and a kind of governing motif for the essays. Hal was a best friend who always slept gladly and willingly just within the touching range of her foot--until he was unceremoniously taken and thrown away by a no-nonsense aunt.

Like Hal, the men in Jo Ann's life seem to hover just within touching range and just for a while, only to disappear. Even Jo Ann's husband takes off (like Hal, with the aid of another woman). Anyway, who could ever have a real relationship with another human, after Hal? "The gorgeous thing about Hal was that not only was he my friend, he was also my slave. I made the majority of our decisions . . . ." Of course, it is Jo Ann's mother, in a formative moment, who comforts the little girl after Hal has gone to the dump.

The best writing in this book is around Jo Ann's 1960's childhood, which she describes in abundant and evocatively funny detail. She seems to remember what is important, what isn't, what pains a child, and what dramas Barbies play out when grown-ups aren't around. She also understands sibling rivalry and writes about it with such immediacy that it is as if she had hired a hypnotist to take her back.

At its weakest points, Jo Ann Beard's essays can be like photographs that didn't come out right: a chair and part of the dog's tail. Or a photograph of a sixth grade graduating class with nothing outstanding about it. But the book as a whole is a fascinating, surprising, and satisfying read.

    Wendy L. Smith teaches English at San Diego Mesa College.