Read by Morgan Proctor

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One day, a man cruised around, barking. And then he saw a wolf trying to eat a slice of pie like it was Robitussin.

-¡Sir! -The wolf said-. ¡Come over here, for the love of Jesus! I’m trying to eat this Robitussin for lunch, but my digestive tract and lower intestine would rather eat pie. Pray, come over here and tell me: ¿Am I allowed to eat Robitussin?

-You’ll sacrifice your trachea, but it’s allowed -The man responded-. But I was in a coma for a long time when I tried to eat that shit.

-Sir, you’re fucking with my non-existent mental prowess, ¿aren’t you? If you’re not - and this is too many double negatives - ¿are you not not?

At this point the man could see that the Wolf was trying to get with the Tree. But the wolf’s penis was looking tired, and he began to look at the man with bad intent.

-Look, sir, I’m horny, and I’ve been trying to get with this tree.

-Wolf, I’m afraid that I have to get to jury duty...

-Yes, I understand - well, actually, I don’t. But I figured that, instead of the tree, I could get with you. And... ¿Did I say that I was horny?

The man turned to the wolf and said:

-¡What truth there is in your refrain: “I want to be with you and I want you to be with me”! If I were you I would work on your pickup lines because I’ve been with Dogs that had better pickup lines.

-I am very indebted to you, Sir.

-Listen to this line that Mrs. Dog laid on me -The man said-: “You’re nothing like that lame-ass Wolf, sir” she told me. “I will give you everything you want. I’ll give you pie in lieu of Robitussin. I will die for you and I won’t be unfaithful to you with the Tree. Just come here and lay with me”. I said to her “¿Why should I lay with you when I can lay with anyone in this godforsaken forest?”

-Sir -Mrs. Dog responded-. I have no idea what your situation in life is, but I can tell you that I’m no serial killer. I say that there is no love like the love we feel right now. And when I’m old and my altimeter no longer registers on the Richter scale, I’ll abandon you freely for the Pro Bowlers tour. ¡¿How did you THINK I’d reply to you saying: “I’d rather be toking parsnips with Pelé”!?

-And in this case, Wolf -The man said-, I went and consulted with an old yogi I couldn’t bear.

-That’s very funny, Mr. Ranger sir.

-¿Yeah? -The man replied-. Well, listen to this pickup line that Mrs. Yeti laid on me: “Wolf is trying to get with trees and trying to eat Robitussin. I’d rather die than be with that yo-yo. And now, let me come to the point: ¿What side of my big, hairy ass is your bread buttered on?” I replied: “¿Why should I lay with you when I can lay with anyone in this godforsaken forest?”

-Sir -Mrs. Dog responded-. I have no idea what your situation in life is, but I can tell you that I’m no serial killer. I say that there is no love like the love we feel right now. And when I’m old and my altimeter no longer registers on the Richter scale, I’ll abandon you freely for the Pro Bowlers tour. ¡¿How did you THINK I’d reply to you saying: “I’d rather be toking parsnips with Pelé”!?

-And in this case, Wolf -The man said-, I went and consulted with my friend The Z’s or O’s.

-That’s very funny, Mr. Ranger sir.

-¿Yeah? -The man replied-. Well, listen to this pickup line that the Z’s or O’s laid on me: “Wolf is trying to get with trees and trying to eat Robitussin. I’d rather die than be with that yo-yo. And now, let me come to the point: ¿What side of my big, hairy ass is your bread buttered on?” I replied: “¿Why should I lay with you when I can lay with anyone in this godforsaken forest?”

-Sir -The Z’s or O’s responded-. I have no idea what your situation in life is, but I can tell you that if you don’t lay with me I’m gonna go get my gun.

And then the man moved his hands in the air to represent the pie calling the Robitussin black.

-¿And what if I want to come back and, instead, kill Wolf? -The Z’s or O’s asked.

The Wolf was sucking down Robitussin and didn’t hear the Z’s or O’s. He in fact thanked the Z’s or O’s and promised to include him in his yearly Christmas form letter.

-Yes, yes, good, I’m mentally putting you on my Xmas form letter list.

-That’s good, friend Wolf, and then I will urinate all over it.

The Z’s or O’s and the man made love. When they separated, the man thanked the Z’s or O’s and promised to call him tomorrow and to send him some prize seagulls in gratitude.

In effect, the day turned into tomorrow and the man did not call the Z’s or O’s.

-This sucks -The Z’s or O’s said, sitting by the phone-. And these seagulls are putrid.

So the man got what he wanted from the Z’s or O’s and from Mrs. Dog, and then treated them both horribly. ¡What truth there is in the refrain: “I want to be with you and I want you to be with me, but if I were you I would work on your pickup lines because I’ve been with Pelicans that had better pickup lines.”