Varus, my cat is in love with you.

You pig! Let's duke it out!

You little squirt! Repent! You are a pig!

A pig with an upset stomach! You're not sane!

Don't sermonize, don't quibble, just quit it!

And when you profess to me

that you will respond to my pleas

nothing comes of it.

'At a certain time,' you say, 'with luck

'I will cease this bombast

'and go out with people.' All I know is

if it were up to me I would beat your face in.

'No,' you say, 'that would malign my fate

'and I wouldn't be able to pronounce "incestuous"

'or make love to possums or people.'

'Well,' I say, 'to me, I am Catullus and I give

'this command: You're lower than a Serapion,

'brother. Mainly you should inquire about men or women.

'This could stop my habit of duking you out.

'Forget me and my solitude, you rat, and just quit it!'

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