This guard had obviously been toking the bong and had no idea how fond of him I’d grown in the short time he’d yelled at us. His fingers were now firmly wrapped around my biceps. I wondered if he could feel my pulse racing.

-¿What’s... going on? -I managed to say-. ¿Don’t... don’t you like us?

There was so much I wanted to say and, ¿that was all that I could come up with?

-I’m calling the polizei... uh, police -He spat at me, his mouth reeking of aspartame.

-¡The pigs... uh, the police -Liv didn’t believe in mincing as much as I did-. ¿Why? ¿Why call the police when... we hardly know each other? You’re just being a bad boy, ¿aren’t you?

-This is what I’ve been ordered to say. Orders that must be o...

-¿What about my orders? -Liv asked, like she was doing an Anais Nin soliloquy-. ¿Don’t you wanna hear what I want you to do?

The guard didn’t respond.

So Liv moved her hand over the crotch of his tight, polyester pants.

¡Oh, no! Now she’s pushing on his man-penis, I thought. Then she’s gonna get his molten manhood out from its polyester pouch, and ¡I’m gonna be too transfixed to grab his gun and baton!

When Liv and I cruise the Fear Street Topiary, looking for cash and negotiable bonds, our marks usually don’t come (no pun intended) packing heat. They usually come meek, harmless and in Liv’s hand. This run-in was gonna change our lives.

-Yeah, right there -The security guard moaned as Liv found his man-package. She zipped down his fly and gave me a look, like I was supposed to do something. The distinctive disco stylings of Georgio Moroder played over the loud speaker. There was a big sign in the corner that read: ¡DO IT!

The pounding beats were pulsing in my brain and in my body. I felt like a Kraftwerk robot as I pulled the guard’s gun from its holster. Liv already had the guy’s dick out and was holding it like it was a pinwheel. There was no alternative, I had to literally pop a cap in this guy’s ass.

-¿What are you doing with that? -The guard asked, and I didn’t know if he was talking to me or to Liv. I imagined my self shooting and shooting as the compact disc played.

Instead, I looked at Liv.

Her face was white and her hand was blood-red. She moved her fingers over the guard’s penis.

-¿¡Will you shoot him?! -Liv was a prisoner to the “DO IT!” sign.

-¡Heyyyy! ¡That’s nothing to play with!

Again, I didn’t know who he was talking to. I hesitated for one second and then started wildly pulling the trigger.

Nothing.

-It’s fake -The guard finally said.

-¡No! ¡No, it can’t be! -I screamed.

-You’re right -The guard said, taking the gun from my hand-. The fucking safety’s on, numb-nuts. Now you motherfuckers are going to give me my penis and my ten bucks back, or I’m going to shoot your fingers off for every day of the week.

-Now, gimme.

-¿Does that mean seven fingers from each of us, or four from one and three from the other? -I asked, and then Liv chimed in:

-¿Or five fingers from Greg and two from me?

-¡Shut up! -The guard screamed and zipped up his fly-. ¿Are you two nuts?

-Here -Liv said, holding out the guy’s sawbuck-. Take it.

Then she turned and hissed at me.

-¡Ssssssss!

-That’s... distinct -I said, wiping Liv’s spit from my face. My hands were trembling.

The guard put his gun to my head and put his hand out. I hoped he wanted my money.

-You’re a stupid motherfucker -He said-. Now gimme all your money.

The heart that had been pumping blood to my brain made a beeline for my man-sausage.

¡Ah, man! ¡Man! ¡The van’s outside and I’m sure the meter’s expired!

The guard was done making passes at jackass smart-asses.

-You two kids are useless, parasitical bastards. Society has no use for you. Now, tell me the truth: ¿Was all this money a prize in your cereal? -He looked at me and I swear his eyes rolled back into his head.

-It was, if by “cereal” -I lied-, you mean “lozenge”.

Great. I decide to lie and ¿I start by talking lozenges? ¿Why didn’t I just speak in tongues? ¿Or just spit bolts of lightning from my mouth?

 

-I’ll tell you what happened: We hit the disco jackpot -I decided to come clean.

I hoped that my trembling hands were interpreted as “concerned sincerity”, as opposed to “raging psychopath”.

-Okay the... “disco winnings”, ¿huh? Good, because that was the last time I was gonna ax. But now you’ve told the truth and I will not wish a pox on you -He said as severely as you can say a phrase with the word “pox” in it.

And then he tried to spit unsuccessfully.

-Yes, sir, that is word, no sir -I said-. I just want to say that being here today, waving guns around...

-Let’s go -Liv interrupted my brain-rupture.

We sailed out of that place as fast as our snail-shells would go. Liv was trembling, ready to burst. She was so upset she was unable to put five words together.

-¡Don’t fuck with me! -She said.

-¿Is “don’t” one word or two?

She shook her finger in front of my face.

-¡¿Why didn’t you kill that guy!? -She screamed at me-. ¡This is all your fault!

-¿Kill him? -We were mired in some sick Sopranos soap opera-. ¡In the first place, I tried to kill him. And, in the second place, ¿what do I look like? ¿Al Capone? ¿Luca Brasi? I’m just a boy. ¿How is it my fault?

-¡Because I told you to shoot the stupid fuck! ¿¡Do I have to tell you to take off the safety and pull the trigger also?! And now we don’t even have all those ten dollar bills.

I had to bite my lip to keep my self from telling her that those were all counterfeit bills.

-Okay, look. It’s not my fault -I was actually stupider than was allowed in the state of California-. ¡It’s the bleeding-heart-liberals faults! ¿Who came up with the idea of a safety for a perfectly operational gun?

-I told you to shoot him -Liv insisted-. And now I’m telling you to shut up.

We kept walking until my house gently whispered in my ear that we’d walked too far.

So now I had to walk around with the disquieting thought that my own house has to tell me where it is. Dejectedly, I hopped on the escalator to my room.

All the disquieting thoughts ended when I entered the inner sanctum of my bedroom.

But there was something just as disquiet... ting. It was Raina, and she was sitting on a camel in the middle of my room.

I was trying to escape all the bull crap of the day: the galoshes, the security guard, etc. And my bedroom was supposed to be a place where I could get away and just hang out with all my boy-band posters surrounding me.

Not when you’ve got a madcap sister like Raina.

-¡No, Raina! -I screamed-. ¡No camels in my fucking bedroom!

      -- on to chapter 8   or   back to Halloween --