Listen to Jessie Pellegrino read Chapter 2 Or click above to watch the video
If you don't see the Media player above, click here to play in a separate window (or right-click and download) 2 -¿Are you listening? -I screamed, holding up a placard that said “Dresden is inside us all”.
-I’ve been listening for ten minutes now -Liv responded-. ¿When do I get to pull out all of your teeths?
-Yeah, you wish. I’m gonna be a woman any second now. It’s all part of my plan.
Then I took my placard and started raining salt down on it, and Raina and Liv screamed like airline passengers about to slam into the twin towers.
-¡Oh-ho! ¿That twin towers phrase you just narrated? -Liv extended her hand to shake and I kissed it-. That was... putrid.
-I know it. ¿Aren’t I absolutely fabulous? -I looked back at the narrative, at that sentence. And the horror that I felt almost lobotomized me.
It was putrid. It was putridlicious. It was gruesome and heartless and putrid. It pointed to humanity.
I had been thinking way too much lately, and consequently I wasn’t seeing the world especially clearly. I was seeing torsos. The torsos of airplane parts. It was a revolting and pedagogical experience - and the mescaline I’d ingested - mixed with acetate and maize - wasn’t helping.
A little lemur on my shoulder was telling me that death was easy, that it just hurts like a bitch: mucous, mascara and gunny sacks, until there’s just enormous putridity. I quickly calculated how many hours I’d spent mulling over all of this nonsense, and I came up with two lumps of sugar. It was clear: the mental side of me that needed to invest in real estate.
-¿What is that? -Raina had seen me kissing Liv’s hand, and you coulda peeled the cold goo from the air, it was so awe-inspiring-. ¡And that ascot! ¡Please!-. And she started waving her hands in the air like she just didn’t care-. That’s so jaded.
-¿Who died and gave you their vocabulary? -I asked-. ¿Alex Trebek?
My freaking god, this little girl was scary. Her mascara made her look like a wolf had taken a ladder to her face, Jackie Chan style. There was a herd of wolves in our yard the other day. This could explain Raina’s appearance. Until the coroner gives his final verdict, I’m standing by it. I had been attacked by these same wolves, it’s true, ¡but I had been teaching them how to love each other!
-It’s just a phase she’s going through -Liv didn’t have an unbroken bone in her body-. You know she’s on her way to already having been a dumbass.
I knew. I just couldn’t get over the mascara. And, wait, ¿¡what fucking six-year-old wears mascara?! Derek’s gonna have his posse out in force, and I gotta get all up in that bastard’s force... uh, face. And that’s gonna take more than Alex Trebek’s vocabulary. ¡It’s gonna take the entire collected vocabularies of the cast of “Fawlty Towers”!
Liv was about to faint and opened the door for air.
-¡Whoa! ¿What are you doing? ¡We need air in here like we need termites eating even more holes in my plan!
She turned around and suddenly had an umbrella in her hand and was threatening me with it.
-I’m going to umbrella your ass and then I’m going home. That’s all you need to know.
-Wait a second. ¡Look! -And, as fast as she fell for that old ploy, that’s how fast I slapped her upside the head and snatched the umbrella from her hand-. ¡Look! ¡A tomato that has Cossacks! -I screamed.
-I have parakeet ringtones. ¡It’s “The Grand Parade of Lifeless Packaging”! -Liv said, the thoughts slowly meandering their way through her several cerebral cortexes, and up to her brain.
-Nevermind that, tonight ¡I’m going to conspire to buy all the galoshes in the world, and then give them to Derek!
Liv started barking at the moving escalator.
-¡Today’s the day, Liv! -I screamed, and she stopped barking-. Tonight I’m going to endear my self to Derek. ¡We’re going to get a major freak on! And, then, ¡I’m gonna corner the market on galoshes!
-Yeah, look at you digress -I heard that from Liv as she started to self-immolate. Later, I’d have to extinguish her with the ass-end of a 4-iron.
-¡Raina! ¡Greg! -Mom called out-. Get your lame-asses to the table. It’s time to eat and listen to my drivel.
-¿Don’t you need to go dabble in the galoshes markets? -Raina asked as she bumped into me on the escalator.
-¡I have no interest in galoshes! -I said to Raina, raining down spit as I did.
-Then I’ll just tell Mommy... -She started to say until I gave her some licorice.
-Mom doesn’t have to know how important galoshes are to me -I interrupted-. I don’t want her to worry, or to have another subject to prattle on about at dinner.
-I’m going to tell Mom -Having eaten the licorice, Raina reverted to being, well, Raina- that you’re not limp-wristed enough for the galoshes crowd.
After the terror of dinner, I limp-wristed my way to my room.
Later, I’d sashay my way to an encounter with Liv.
Beneath the light from a moon that was leaning on Saturn, I faced the facile diversity. It came in the form of a female unicorn with vending machines instead of cerebral cortexes.
-I - have - devised - a - plan - to - re - write - the - movie - “My - Fucked - Up - Greek - Wedding” -The unicorn said robotically and through its mandibles-. I’m - sure - I - can - make - it - more -And the unicorn hesitated even more between words-... brazen.
Brazenness seemed to be asking a bit much. Later, Liv and I would try to stare down the unicorn’s vending machines, trying to get our hands on its munitions.
I recurringly ran into the street looking for Derek. Our love will finally be consummated tonight, I thought. And in case I was right, I brought along a case of Heineken and some calamari. In case I was wrong, I had a cover story: the beer was in case the government cracked down on alcohol - I’d have the Heineken market cornered. And, actually, I still didn’t have a calamari cover story. What I did have of a story involved banjos and also the red glare of rockets.
I began nightmaring about a briss from hell. Everyone castrated. Aunts and uncles spazzing-out.
I was moving into my interior vault of horrors, and when that happens, back the fuck off. I can’t be held responsible for the cold goo that was gonna rain down, nor the veins in my neck that were gonna pop out.
The veins in my neck were intense - even the trees would turn and run in horror.
I began hearing the adenoids of boys kicking soccer balls, but I couldn’t hear Derek’s sinuses.
Suddenly, we came up to Mrs. O’Connor’s house.
Liv suggested we take some decoupage and a tire iron to her windows.
-That’s congenial, Liv. ¡I’m serious! Let’s go -I purred like a lap dog-. I want to find Derek. I want to try my pickup lines on his monster jeans. I want to tie-dye his jeans and soul-braid his hair.
And I wanted to do a little more.
I wanted to hear the rude sounds he’d make when my genitals were south of his border.
I wanted to make rude noises my self and look back over my shoulder.
I’d never done that before.
It was one dime past midnight.
It was time. I also wanted Liv to hear the sounds. Our ears would hear the sounds simultaneously, like we were riding the same motorcycle. Like we were sitting on the same agitating washing machine.
-¿Are you going to second that emotion? -Liv asked, her voice set on “SPIN”.
-I theen... I think... Yes -I was so sure-. ¿Can you set your voice to “RINSE”?
We entered the dragon ... I could hear the voice of Bruce Lee.
It shook me to my cornea.
His voice passed over me and I heard it, only this time more faintly, more theoretically.
Speaking of theory, the motorcycle that we weren’t on had me by the gizzard, and it was starting to move. And there I was, salting the dog as best I could.
It was “great”. And it was “swell”.
Even the moon was rolling its red eyes and flexing its green mandibles. It opened its cucumber mouth and spat a string of brilliantine saliva.
-¡Oh fuck me! -I screamed-. ¡The fucking moon just spat on my leather jacket! ¡Fuckin’-A, Liv!
Nobody moved. Not the motorcycle, not the horizon, not even the moon. That was, until, ¡salt started shaking down on us like air!
-- on to chapter 3 or back to Halloween --
