Chapter 16 read by Sally



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-¡Drew!- Kelsey exclaimed. -¡Drew!-


She looked for Drew until she was red in the face. At one point she was forced to choose between antique furniture, carpeting from the moon, qualifying for the World Cup, or saying whether she ever played in the street.


But the ocean was even more obscure. It was so obscure that the air above it was more like a rodeo clown: non-violent, laced with formaldehyde, and dying for a smoke. A HUGE smoke.


The air actually curved, like a monster with dentures, the plume rising straight up until it couldn’t go any higher, and then it ran into Kelsey.


Kelsey was as high as a vulture, ponying up the dolemite like she was crazy in the head.


But back to the air. The air was like fire to chocolate.


The air was like life: the same way that humans are like gorillas. The giant plume of smoke ran around until it was near the beach.


-¡Drew!- She didn’t know why she was yelling, but yelling she was, like she was in La Traviata playing a pirate high on week-old salad.


¿Where was that soup reindeer? Kelsey was starting to feel like Mr. Magoo on estrogen.


¿Why wait when you can love Ikia NOW? ¿Why brag when you look like something the Yeti dragged in?


Kelsey had already voted for Nader more times than she could remember. The girl would’ve voted for the country of Algeria, but her braces hadn’t been adjusted for days and all she could eat was water. And when her teeth were out of alignment she wasn’t allowed to play and she wasn’t allowed to eat banana daiquiri sandwiches. She wasn’t even allowed to sit down. She had to run around like a tortilla with its head cut off.


The water got to move around also. It got to sit. It got to yell. It got to throw its panda bear shape around whenever it freaking wanted to.


But first it got to crumple up its enormous nose.



-¡Nooooo!- Kelsey exclaimed when she saw the proboscis pointing her way.


The o’s were the last sound she heard. Her heart stopped for twenty minutes out of every hour anyway, and her 40 good minutes were up.


She didn’t know which the Martina Hingis way to turn. She wanted to turn back, but when she looked, everyone was all rumpled.


It was getting near the end for Kelsey. She could punt right now and it would land so close to the end zone, even having several time-outs left wouldn’t mean piss.


Then she saw Drew. The girl looked even more rumpled than Kelsey’s wardrobe. It was like salt and pepper - and pepper.


Everyone was running in horror from Drew. They ran like their shoes were on fire and all they could do to keep from laughing was run like tomorrow was a mirage and yesterday had just been trampled - by Shoeless Joe Jackson.


-¡Kelsey!- Drew Jesus H’d. -¡I don’t have time for your crap!-


Kelsey reared up like a giant testicle and landed a pre-counter-punch to Drew’s right esophagus. Then she started running like a dog on fire.


“I can’t do this anymore,” Kelsey said to her self. The fire that used to burn in her eyes was now burning in her stomach.


Drew had what Kelsey hadn’t: a method of thinking that wasn’t punctuated with non-sequiturs and lame diatribes against the government and Yakov Smirnoff. If she thought that way for even a second, all of the Olestra in her system would punch at Kelsey until the equestrian girl was forced to scream “¡Let’s Polka!”.


Drew lifted her head to the great podiatrist in the sky, but she knew that God would not vault down… and she knew because she was a lady.

    -- on to chapter 17   or   back to PUNK ASS --