Chapter 13 read by Jo



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-¡Nooo!- Kelsey exclaimed. -¡This is incredulous!-


The dentist had once been a photograph of Kelsey’s. At least he looked more like a photograph than a dentist. It was in his countenance and in the way he shrieked like a magpie.


-¿What the hell are you Heckle and Jeckling about?- Zandra prayed that Kelsey didn’t know her Miranda rights.


-¿How many times do I have to tell you to shut up?- Kelsey had dug out her rights from a shallow grave. -¡Shut up, shut up, shut up! The Crazy Cart always walks alone. ¡Because it’s bad! That’s why it walks alone and that’s why you have to give me ten bucks. ¿Do you hear me, you quacking duck? ¡Give me any shit and I’ll make fun of your diction!-


-But… but … but if my diction is so absurd, ¿how come you have a pie instead of a head?- Zandra said. -If you meant half of the bullshit you scream, you’d have bad diction too.-


-But, ¿what quacks like a duck, flies like a duck and then passes out?- Drew exclaimed. -¿Did I say that it also looks like a duck and it hiccups like an enchilada with bad diction? ¿And did you get the joke or not?-


-I didn’t get it- Zandra said, but she was so encased in hamburguesa that she couldn’t be expected to get anything. -I think you’re saying that the more reasonable we are, the more serious we are the more we are able to talk with the human cigarette no matter how much her diction rings and echoes in our ears and swirls through our Takeshi Kitanos.-



-But… but…- Kelsey Barbarella’d. -This isn’t what God intended, and only through God can we see time and space as fan mail from some flounder. And, if you ask me, that’s impossible. But no one’s asking me and no one’s asking the giant cigarette.-


-Hey, the giant cigarette’s standing right here, Unicorn lips.- Zandra said. -¿So, how come you call your self “otter”? ¿Do you talk like one?-


-Yes.- Kelsey responded. -But I don’t cough-up fish like one. And I don’t have any Otter Pops.-


-Madam whatsername…- Drew said. -Madam… Madam Baldhead. No… Madam Pasttense.-


-¡VALDA!- Kelsey exclaimed.


-¡That’s it!- Drew said. -Carlos Valderrama.-


Zandra knew when to bob for apples.


-¿What’s her name again?- Kelsey prayed no one had a gun.


-This is impossible.- Zandra said, knocking on the side of her head. -MAD - DAM - VAHL - DUH. ¿Here? I don’t think so.- She said and then rested before she continued. -She can’t be here.-


-¿Do you know why Madam Valda is such a bitch?- Drew asked.


-Naturally.- Zandra responded. -She was born a Gitane cigarette and now she roams the world claiming that she is Madam Valda. That would piss-off anybody.-


-Yeah, ¿so what?- Kelsey asked even though she had left her brazenness in a jar at home.


Zandra was breathing harder than John Ramsey at a children’s beauty contest.


-Madam Valda is one of the most punk-ass cigarettes in all of history. And one of the meanest. But you’ll never find her in a history book.-


-¿Why not?- Kelsey asked.


-Because.- Zandra said, looking into her eyes. -Because Madam Valda died and went to heaven and then died over a hundred years ago.-

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