Cosmic Vomit

-¿Where the fuck am I? -One of the monsters mumbled-. ¿Where the fuck am I?

-Oh, no. ¡The toupee talks! -I could hear Colin taunting the monster as its lips tried to make sense of talking.

-You can’t make me do anything -The creature told me-. But, ¿do you have an instruction booklet on how to live life? A good plan, not a true plan.

-No... I just have some notes I’ve jotted down -I sounded like the mumbling monster.

-I expected better from you -The creature contested.

I knew what I didn’t want to hear, but what I didn’t want to hear I knew I couldn’t get my tentacles on.

-My planet needs Cheerios® -The creature began-. We need the Cheerios® that humans eat. We need it to expand our cerebral potential. The question was, ¿where can a monster get some? ¡At the Science Curse-Off! -The creature exclaimed-. The humans need Cheerios® to be intelligent enough to play the Curse-Off.

The creature blew a snot-rocket neatly into the earth’s atmosphere.

-We have come here to teach you how to curse as a quid pro quo for some Cheerios®. And you and the rest of your lot try to make us rest in peace... That wasn’t the right phrase, ¿was it?

The creature didn’t wait for a response.

-Don’t give me any of your bastard explanations -It affirmed-. It’s time to give me the rest of your Cheerios®.

-¡Noooo! -I gritted-. ¡Fuck off!

¿Why does it want Cheerios®? ¿Why doesn’t it want Fruit Loops®? ¡Think! ¡Think!, I told my self.

And when you’re done thinking, send out for some Cheerios®. ¡Schnell!

I sorted through all of these vicious thoughts and still I passed out.

Chof. Chof.

The creature’s fangs were starting to piss me off. No matter how passed out I was, I was still rapidly getting pissed off. Incredibly pissed off.

I slept-walk to the kitchen, but there was cold goo all over the door, so I started tearing the door apart. I was so asleep that, as I tore the door to pieces, I was wondering if I could take the pieces to Pick-A-Part®.

And as I tore the door apart, I became even more tired.

The door then opened without any problem, because it was no longer there.

But it was too late.

My fangs had been manhandled, and my pagoda had been raped.

¡God fucking dammit! -I gritted my teeth.

The creature lifted me into the air.

-¡God fucking dammit!

It held me over its head. It turned me around and around. I felt like a zafu pin cushion. Then it threw me through what was left of the door.

Gordi sallied into the kitchen and was totally surprised, like Rick James at a rummage sale.

That stopped the creature. Stopped it because it had nothing in its hands to throw. I watched as my fangs melted in the distance.

The creature told me it was time to get a robe on my bare ass, and then it turned to Gordi.

-¡Oh, no! ¡Oh!... Whatever... -I said.

Poor Gordi. He was trapped like a rat terrier, he had paint for his mural, but no paint brush.

I watched horrified as Gordi tried to talk reason, but was only able to pass gas. It was no use. He wasn’t going to escape without - at least - a sound beating.

And then, faster than pomegranate, the creature grabbed Gordi’s paws. The poor mutt passed out and I just couldn’t watch any more.

I didn’t watch, but I did gulp.

-Gordi. Gordi. ¿Are you okay? -I asked my dog with my eyes closed-. ¿Are you okay?

I opened my eyes and Gordi was looking at me, but no one was home. He looked like Chester does when he gets a wash and wax job on his fangs.

-Oh, Gordi -That was a gimme. The next was hard-: ¿What kind of ceremony do you want? ¿Do you want, perhaps, a ribald ceremony?

Chof. Chof.

I lifted my head. The creature’s fangs were right in front of me.

They were enamel.

And all I could think was what kind of ceremony I wanted.

I started repeating over and over, “My brain hurts, my brain hurts...”

-Now I’m gonna put your brain to rest -The monster affirmed-. I’m gonna eat it.

-No -I gritted-. No. Not today and probably not tomorrow. It’s mine. It’s mine. And it fucking hurts -I started gulping like no one before, and my gulps were becoming gelatinous. This creature was more macho than I was.

I lifted my head to the stars.

Then I asked the monster if it wanted a straw.

And then, with a horrible, absorbing sound, it grabbed my head with its gangly hands.