Cosmic Vomit
by Don Cheney
A multi-media project by Max Cheney
Chapter 12 read by Phoebe
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Noooo! -I griped-. ¡Nooo! -But the “o’s” in my “No’s” were getting less emphatic.


-Um, you are my friend -Alix said-. You have the same birthday as I do. You have the same allergy to the Pentecostal religion. My sister wears her hair the same way as your sister. And I haven’t even mentioned that we were both born in mangers.


I was intent on sinking my fangs into his neck. But my hand was hurting like a manatee and I couldn’t get the pain out of my head.


-I want to play with you, Al. Come on.


I felt like I had eaten a piñata and then thrown up all the prizes and candy and fur.


-I want to play with you, too -Geoff’s sarcasm reeked of Alix and the sack of shit he always carried around with him.


-Give me a fucking break -I was a rogue-. No, please, give me a fucking break. At least I don’t wear press-on nails for the attention.


-Umm, at least my equipment isn’t green. Melanie and I are babe-ticians -Tanya griped.


Geoff was the target of that Tanya zinger. She might as well’ve taken his right hand and amputated it, or taken my fangs and put them in boiling, hissing water.


-Tanya, goddammit -I griped-. You don’t even know what’s holding you to the earth.


-I know what’s holding her -Melanie said an affle too littleably-. And I want to play with you, too.


Tanya passed my fangs to Melanie and pointed at some boiling, hissing water. She sure was a punk-ass.


-¿What’re you lookin’ at, Sappho?


-¡Yes! -Sappho responded like Marv Albert.


-Please. Please. Please, somebody kill me -I protested.


-Eat me -Geoff said. And he lunged at my fangs like Gepetto himself. But he forgot to allow for the wind, a corner kick, God, and Tanya fronting like a toad.


Tanya always carried a plastic cockroach and wore it like a bolo tie around her neck. The cockroach doubled over in Payne, and then it doubled over in Stewart, and then it started landing punches all over Geoff’s body.



-¡Jesus! -I gulped in every direction.


-¡Kick him in the balls! -Tanya exclaimed-. And he won’t be seeing in color no more. Nobody should see in color anyway.


-Give me a fucking break -I said, and couldn’t stop-. Give me a fucking break. Give me a fucking break. Give me a fucking break.


Sappho hissed like a llama and an enormous trail of spit followed, like a snail with enormous gums and fangs, foaming at the mouth.


-¡What an asshole! -Alix griped.


-He’s not an asshole -Sappho said-. You’re the asshole -She said this just as I was peeling my fangs off of Geoff.


Simultaneously, Melanie peeled her hands off Geoff’s throat and began trying to revive him. I’ve always said, what doesn’t kill you makes for impossibly lame theater.


Later, everyone flashed their fangs at poor Melanie.


Everybody, except me, of course. I had no fucking idea where my fangs were.


I had looked in my mouth already, so shut up. It was getting toward lunch and my fangs would need their usual quart of oil.


It looked like my gums were changing colors, from neon pink in the front, to chocolate pink in the back. They needed some rest and they needed to play, but they didn’t need to be bleeding right into my fists.


The situation was getting desperate. And I was getting desperate for some closure.


And I was beginning to write poetry in the persona of a Native American yo-yo champion.

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