Cosmic Vomit

The mayor of Chico didn’t have to take care of his dog, he just had to keep it tied to a tree by a rope. But Gordi wasn’t the mayor’s dog.

-¡Tie your own self on a rope, Gordi! -The mayor’s dog yelled at him, as its equilibrium swayed from side to side-. ¡Go on! ¡What you don’t know won’t hurt you!

Gordi was meaner than a junkyard rabbit. He had one eye and he moved around like he was trying to kill himself.

In fact, Gordi looked like a one-eyed deer in the headlights. He just wasn’t mentally prepared to hear dogs tell him that he should tie himself to a pole and pass the day barking at everyone.

Looking out through a door and into a mirror made him gulp. He was pleased to see that he had two eyes, but now he also had dog feet, a dog face and a dog body and tail. Looking around, he saw the Deputy Mayor, Michelle, coming towards him. Oh Christ, he thought, now I need a book on how to be a dog.

-¿When are you going to quit fucking around with reality, Al? -the Deputy Mayor asked Gordi, knowing right where his jugular was, even if now it was furry, red and white, and warmed all over only by the sun.

Michelle kissed him and patted him on the head.

-¿How stupid are you? -he asked her-. ¿Que stupido? ¿Are you so stupid that you don’t know you’re stupid? ¿And who says that I’m stupid?

-I’m so stupid that I’m going to be mayor, and after that the city’ll re-class you as dog fodder

-Michelle said.

Michelle was 14 years old, only three years older than me. If you do the math, I’m eleven years old.

If you’re using your fingers to count, you probably still don’t know that I’m eleven years old. And my parents aren’t much older. I have three parents and one of them’s a genius. She talks to me in tongues. She’s a talkative genius.

It’s third down, and a rat’s ass to go. Teachers always ask me if I’m the brother of Michelle Sterner. When I say I’m her son they look away. They think it’s a little galling.

So I listen. I probably even listen to Michelle.

But I don’t want to spend my entire life lighting small fires in large libraries. That’s just a diversion I enjoy.

Michelle only likes studying. She studies all the time. If you ask me, she’s so propped-up by books and convention that she doesn’t even have time to listen.

Gordi used to take liens on corporations and demand that they kiss his ring. Once he was so set on ruining a flamenco dancing company that he started writing in tongues.

After he ran around the yard marking every place where Michelle had been, he began looking for other objects to mark.

A few minutes later I guess he’d found that new object to mark. He jumped on my leg and started humping it.

Michelle shook her head.

-That dog is the biggest idiot that anyone has ever elected, and now he’s marking the yard and humping your leg. Next thing you know he’ll be marking the entrance to your house -Michelle told me-. The fence surrounding your house is smarter.

-¿What about Chester? -I asked her.

Chester was Michelle’s cat. Michelle thinks Chester is smart.

-¿Didn’t I already tell you to go to hell? -Michelle asked me.

-I thought you asked if I could multiply and divide -I broke in.

Michelle socked me in the larynx.

-I’ll multiply your cerebral cortex. And if you can tell me how much seven times seven times seven is, I won’t electrocute you like a tiny hamburger. And if…

-¿Why is listing so important to you? -I interrupted-. I know mascots that have fewer identity issues.

But Michelle had stopped listing and listening.

-I’m going to watch TV with my cat. He appreciates the tired clichés and bathroom jokes -She continued-. And you’re going to be sorry when Chester becomes a star.

-Go on and watch that pedestrian crappola, Michelle. ¿Aren’t you tired of that miserable cadence?

-I’m never going to tire of that miserable cadence, buddy boy. I think that you just don’t get the underlying meaning of bathroom jokes. And, anyway, I think a little toilet potty humor is necessary in a society like ours.

-Michelle, turn back before you go completely loopy.

-¿You want me to turn back while Gordi’s running around on four paws? Chester is a million times smarter that that mutt. He’s probably smarter than you.

-Very nice, Michelle. Punk-ass, but very nice.

-If you lopped-off half of Chester’s head, he’d still walk around -Michelle continued-. I’m sure of that, and I’m sure he’d still watch the tired clichés and the bathroom jokes.

-Let’s go to the dentist, Gordi -I told my dog-. We don’t have to listen to this gargantuan ass.

We cut through the garden and Gordi gave me his collar. He gives me his collar about three times a day, covered in fur, and I always give it back to him and tell him to read up on his How To Be A Dog For Dummies book.

Later, we went home.

Mom was running a fascist junta from her office in the kitchen, while decorating a cake.

-Don’t look, Al -She told me, moving a spatula full of chocolate over the part in my hair.

Mom had opened every door in the house because she was allergic to chocolate. She gets an enormous rash. And when that happens, all she can do is eat pecans, look at her watch and roll her eyes.

-But Mom -I exclaimed-, today’s my birthday. ¿Why are you spreading chocolate on my hair?

It wasn’t her fault. The same god that told her to do that, told her she runs a fascist junta.

-Look, if I’m going to rule with a firm hand I can’t suppress any urges -Her voice was firm-. When you get your own home, you can suppress all the urges you want. And you can sell gas to God for all I give a flying Ouija board. Look, you’ve memorized all of the South American capital cities, you’re ready for college.

I suspected she was mad.

-That’s right. I know everything and I keep it all in my memory, Mom.

-¿And what if you only study Monday through Thursday? -My surging mother asked.

-¿And what if I forget that Monday comes after Thursday?

I study whenever I can, and I fly whenever I pass out, and I’m not going to let a rat’s ass like Gordi fuck with me. If I’m not studying or flying or passed out, don’t fuck with me...

Mom and Dad are detectives. Private dicks. And they call me Al because they somehow decided that I was the ectoplasmic reinmorphication of Albert Einstein.

I’m so spongy that I can’t go out in the rain or I’ll look like a pear that’d been stepped on about 6,000 times by a scientific genius. But I like it when people step on me and I like to play baseball and go out with my friends and play that I have bad gas and that I’m “a major pain in the butt”, which drives my mom crazy.

And whenever I come home, Gordi starts busting up and he can’t talk, and his tongue gets salty. He makes me take a number, sit and watch “Super Chicken” and then he tells me all about his day.

I ask and I don’t receive. Mom and Dad say this is good preparation for my birthday. They give Michelle everything and then they make me sign a no-presents contract. One time they made me go to a Mannheim Steamroller concert, saying it was authentic cultural crapola, and I split out the back when they weren’t looking and went to the opera.

I was adamant that I didn’t need a watch to get an education. I completely knew what time it was.

This year I figured I’d ask before they could fuck with me. I’d ask for a Lady Di shot glass and a clean pair of pants. And then I’d be a little less subtle. I’d ask for every John Coltrane CD there is, and another clean pair of pants.

I was adamant: no fucking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle belt buckles, no mercenary attacks on the local power company, and NO MORE EDUCATION. I told my mom last year that the pants she got me were excellently coordinated with my sister’s wardrobe but what I really wanted was an ocelot and a 1970 Toyota Corona engine.

I told my plan to Michelle because she’s the one who makes the important decisions around our house.

I told my dad that I wanted a thousand dollars and an office in Dalby.

I confided in them that I still used saccharine, that I didn’t believe in the scientific conclusions. I told them that I had three personalities, all of them brilliant though sometimes they each did dumb things that I couldn’t explain, like the time I burned down the house with a magnifying glass, when I was trying to burn bugs.

And - one time - I was hosting a “Super Chicken” viewing party and I was passing out plot descriptions when my shoes caught on fire. This was significant for me because, since then, I make sure my shoes are not on fire before I pass out any charts. And I only go to stores that have clearly marked fire extinguisher locations.

Then there was the time I was ready to go shopping, I even had my camel salted, and my...

-¿Are you properly prepared? -I griped to my self.

I checked my emotions: I was angry, pouty, sensitive, angry, pushy and loopy.

-Check -I replied to my self-. But, I think I need a little more time to prepare.

The suspense was killing my self.

-¿What? -I asked my self.

-¡What!

He who talks to himself has a fool for a listener.

I opened the door and the sun and my mom and dad were all disappearing from sight.

Michelle was lying down, snoring like a turtle.

Everything in the house was on fire.

And then they all started singing “Happy Birthday”.

The fires escalated and, as I looked for something to put them out with, I glanced at my watch.

My eyes knew something was wrong when they saw it was only 8pm and Mom was already a casualty on the information highway.

No one was doing nothing.

I looked at the great mess that used to be the middle of the house. It looked like they had been doing experiments on Michelle. Nothing more.

After I looked at the mess, I launched my solar-powered watch into the lake near my dad’s work. It turned just before it hit the water and flipped me off, a heretic of advanced technology.

I will have no more watch, forever.

I couldn’t stand the pain - and I hadn’t even worked hard to get that watch.

I had worked for three years, but not hard. I was set up lancing envelopes until I got so tired that II accidentally lanced someone’s package. But, eventually, I earned enough to buy a pen and a watch.

Finally, the fires burned themselves out. Michelle and my parents waited outside, while I flipped the mayor the bird, surprised I was still alive.